Karurarurarura

Guess who just had a New Years' Miracle?

It's kinda weird writing a post about doom and gloom and panic like it's the end of the world and the next post I'm like "sorry guys, shit's got fixed, everything's fine now teehee", but I can't blame past me. Generalized anxiety is a bitch and a half and every tiny grain of problem becomes a mountain of sand in my eyes--because they might as well be.

But the thing is, crisis is not 100% averted, not really.
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Good things first: I got a helpful tip from AzraenD on how to extract voices from Dragon Age: Inquisition! I've been meaning to update KCFV since forever, and I've actually added some Fallout 4 voices (Curie and Maccready, mostly) into the framework before my Creation Kit bricks itself.

Another good thing: after years of wrestling with this and that, I got Creation Kit up and running, and also SSEScript as a way to edit and compile scripts without waiting a long-ass time with CK! The downside is KCFV might unfortunately need BEES in the future (if the user is not using Skyrim version 1.6.1130 or up), but installing BEES is hecking simple.

Bad thing.... ish: I just defragmented my hard drive yesterday, and when I woke up (because I left it overnight and told the program to shutdown my stuff once it's done), all of a sudden I got no permission to alter the entirety of my Skyrim folder. What the heck man. Did a long, tedious process to revert the permissions and owner and whatnot (it's annoying especially when you know you're definitely on an Administrator account but for some reason your system doesn't think you're an Admin? bleh), but I got it running again. Now I just have to make sure it doesn't affect other folders or potentially other games.

 some things I might or might not finish:

• A mod that adds description to all equippable artifacts (weapons, armor, jewelry) using Description Framework, written in the style of Dragon Age's item flavor texts. No AI tool is used because I was a fanfic writer, I can write, dammit. Optionally adds descriptions to items from quest mods (probably just Vicn's trilogy as that's what I'm most familiar with).
• On the same vein, a mod that shortens the enchantment description to complement Description Framework because yes, I've played this game for 10+ years and yes, I already know that enemies on fire take extra damage over time, I don't need to be reminded of that over and over. So basically: "Deal 5 Fire damage. Targets on fire take damage blablabla" becomes "5 Fire dmg".
• Vanilla-voiced follower mod containing several followers, with built-in integration of various modded spell packs and outfit using SkyPatcher. Anyone wants a tall beefy Bosmer and a tall butch Altmer lady? No? Just me? Okay.
• A mod that edits the hireling commentaries to make more sense, trigger less often, and continue to work even after you've married the hireling. Includes Mjoll and Erandur's unique commentaries.

real life update: I'm getting burned out, actually! (and also my sister's family is staying with us for a week. I'll be having less free time than usual.)

I'll still continue modding, albeit much much slower than usual. Currently losing steam on both my Skyrim and Dragon Age playthroughs. Don't feel like playing (or I "play" but it feels more like a chore than anything). Actually, I'm burned out from any RPG lately. Want to get back to the Sims 2 or something.

Either I should get diagnosed for partial face blindness, something's off with my monitor screen, or something else,

but I was scrolling through Nexus as you do, and each time I see someone's new Racemenu preset (or worse, someone's Racemenu preset pack), all I could think of was "wow, they're all the same person" ... "wow, are they twins with a different skin color?" etc etc

What's wrong with me??? 

I'm sure there's something to be said about same face syndrome, and how sometimes a modder gravitates towards making a conventionally attractive character even if they don't realize it, but there's probably a ME problem in there somewhere. 

Here, I'll give a popular example.

Bishop, Cael, and Casavir from A Skyrim Romance Mod. To my dumb eyes THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME




I'm not crazy, yeah? They all have the same mouth, eyes, and nose shape? Two of them straight up have the same hairstyle. Please tell me I'm not the only one seeing this.

Okay, yeah... more real life thoughts. Well kinda. More thoughts, in general.

I need to be kinder to myself. Stop looking at other people's lives and assume they've got it better than me. It's hard to do that, harder than I thought it would be, it really is.

I need to stop "watching the trainwreck." All those droning posts about people arguing over a piece of lore in video game? Those about people arguing about other people? Even the ones that I agree with. It's hard not to get engaged in that sort of thing, it's hard not to start nodding along to some of the points made. But the more I do it, the more it sucks me in, funneling me into a spiral of negativity and bad thoughts.

I'm not saying I need to be a beacon of positivity or be a "good vibes only" kind of person. I'm not saying I should cover my ears and pretend bad shit don't happen. I'm saying that life--MY life is shitty enough without those things.

One day I'm going to die. It could be tomorrow, it could be next month, it could be a hundred years from now on. I'll never be prepared. I'll never be. And if I continue the cycle of negativity, if I continue to dwell in those hateful thoughts--chances are I'm going to die with those same thoughts infecting my mind. I don't want that.

There are days when I just want to have a good cry over everything. Just quietly bawl my eyes out, let everything pour. But after I'm done crying, I need to remember that life goes on. MY life. It's shitty enough being a college flunk-out with no real future; I don't want a shitty and pessimistic outlook on top of that.

Normally I hate ranting about real life, but this is something that's been bugging me for years.

So, a little bit of background: I'm a pretty passive person. Ever since dropping out of college I find little reason to go out, and usually just spend the rest of my day in front of my laptop. Now that doesn't mean I'm completely passive all the time, obviously (real life stuff still happens, don't worry). But basically I just don't workout much, and I rarely go out of the house. That's it.

I'm also having a slew of health problems. I have terrible muscle and joint pains most of the time (which I usually attributed to the lack of workout), I tire easily and have a hard time waking up early (this only happened for the last few years)--sometimes I'll drop everything I'm doing just to take a nap. I also have mild allergic reactions each day. Think of it like having extensive sneezing fits every single day, but without a clear possible cause. Every. Single. Day. Am I secretly allergic to cats? Dusts? Who the heck knows at this point.

And some might think: go talk to a doctor! And they're right, if we could afford it. I'm living with my mother, obviously, and currently we have lots of other problems to deal with (my brother's education, my baby niece, my sister having her second child... lots of things). And as far as everyone's concerned, I'm just having some terrible sneezing fit and bouts of lethargy. If it's not something terribly urgent, we usually don't bother going to a doctor for it.

There were two times when my condition went somewhat worse, though. The first time, some problem with my stomach acid--basically I've been forgetting to eat, or eat regularly (yeah, that's a problem too). Another time, the lethargy got so bad that I couldn't stand up for a prolonged time. I had to wash the dishes half-sitting on the kitchen counter (yeah, lol), and I did my prayers while sitting down. And then there was another time (probably unrelated) where I lost my sense of smell for a few weeks. Still not sure what's up with that.

And like, I usually just wave it off as me not working out too much, or not eating enough. But sometimes it feels like a cycle--I don't work out, so I feel terrible, and  I feel terrible, so I don't want to work out. I haaaate it.